I have been struggling lately with illness and the rainy day blues. When I begin to hide away in the house, I have opportunity to think entirely too much. I have some deep seeded hurts that are not always easy to get rid of. I tell myself who I am in Jesus and how God sees me, but then I can easily get in the dumps at how I think ‘others’ see me.
Recently I had completely had it. I hadn’t heard from anybody in quite some time during my illnesses and my mind was wreaking havoc on the possibilities of why others seemed to have disappeared.
Now I know people get busy, they have closer friends, family, and sometimes just are not interested, but I had wondered if I was coming across ‘unlikable’, or if I was doing something that pushes people away.
I unfortunately am an insecure person. I know that is not alluring, but it is the truth. I was teased often as a child, in a jokingly manner, that if I was not comfortable hugging them hello, that I was a snob. ” Come give me a hug snob.” Then if I argued with cousins, their first response was to say I was a snob. That label stuck in my heart and that teasing took root. I have a biological father that never wanted me and biological siblings that are nice but certainly do not pursue me, I began to feel unwanted. These thoughts sometimes would plague me. To the point that I would cut other people out of my life, before they could do it to me. I have improved in this area as of late, but my mind still has to be battled at times.
So to get to the truth, what do they really think, good or bad, I sent out a call to my Facebook friends. I honestly, truly, completely, thought I would be lucky to get five responses. I was blown away that more than thirty friends and family members replied! I asked them to post the first thought they had of me at the question. I also honestly, truly, completely felt that the responses would be negative. One in particular, if I heard from her thought, she would label me ‘religious’ and not in a positive way since our beliefs are so different, or opinionated, because I often share in my blogs or on my Facebook Writing for Joy page, what I feel is truth and she would not agree. So when this person said, her first thought of me was genuine, tears filled my eyes.
I asked this question to find out if I possibly was pushing others away, and in reality realized I was shutting myself in instead, because of what I ‘thought’ others thought of me. I hide away, because I don’t want to offend, embarrass myself, or be raw and exposed. I don’t want others to find I am not of worth, like a few key people in my life did.
In reality, I must tell the voices in my mind to be silent. Press into the truth as I know it in my spirit. And remember, that what I think, is definitely not what is. I know I should be old enough to not be frozen by this and many would be surprised, but it is my personal struggle. We all have them and they all can be conquered ! In the meantime, I can know that I am valued, and that others see me just as I would hope they would. Here is a work of ‘art’ below , that lists some of my thoughts and what was posted from them. I smiled, laughed at some of the accuracy and cried a litte. I was blessed!
Perspective, while labels should not matter, in this instance, they were life changing.