10 Steps to Reach Your Dream In the Midst of ‘Eh’

You know when you have arrived at the ‘eh’ stage of a season. You are unmotivated, you don’t care about much, and you would be happy just hiding away with ice cream and binge-watching your favorite shows. When you are in this cycle, how and why should you dream or have a vision for the next? It seems to be good enough, right?

Wrong! We are created to dream, to have a vision, to have a passion, and to hope.
We were not meant to sit in seclusion just getting by. Perhaps you struggled with ‘eh’ even before the last two years, but truth be told, Covid has made this so easy to settle into the rut for many. We may give up on the things we once held dear because we don’t see them happening anytime soon. However, even if our dreams may look different in this season, it is important to walk them out nonetheless.

Let us not confuse comfortable and cozy with pure lazy and depressed. When we are unmotivated and secure in hiding, there is a problem. The enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy. If you are kept in seclusion and ‘eh’ mode, walking in depression, the enemy has won.

I know the fear and anxiety is real. I know depression is real, and I know the difficulty that it is to climb out and live. This is not an easy time in our lives, and so much is unsettled. I am all for support medically for our mental health as needed. I am also all about pulling up the bootstraps and getting to it.

Technology today truly does remind me of the movie ‘Wall-E’, where everyone is sitting in chairs with the food at the ready and their face in a screen, oblivious to what is going on around them. I am so guilty of walking in this myself. However, this isolation is a tactic of the enemy. It seems entertaining at the moment, but leaves us craving for more, and further disconnected from our dreams and passion.
To have life to the FULL we must walk in hope. Hope is to have a feeling of expectation.
Knowing that there IS a fullness of life. We have a call, with gifts, and desires. We are not meant to keep to ourselves, that which may inspire others.
Now that you are in the midst of “eh”, you might say, ” It is too hard to get started? It seems too much time has passed by.”
Let me give you some tips on how to dream in the midst of your “eh’. These very steps led me to live out my next. This is my strongest hope for you.

10 Steps to Reach Your Dream in the midst of ‘Eh’

1. Write down your goals and dreams that you let go dormant. If you don’t want to look at those at this point, write down some new ones. What sparks you?
   
2. Write down 3 manageable steps to move closer to those successes that you hope for. This could be research that needs to be done, people you need to contact, or actions you can take to build your gift.
   
3. Research other people that have succeeded in your area of passion. Even just watching an art video will spark me to get my art supplies out.
   
4. Get out of the house. A walk in the park, visiting nature, or serving in your community in some way does wonders for the soul.
   
5. Recognize that there are failures and rejections in the process. We don’t always hit our dream the moment we visualize it. There is HARD work involved. Michael Jordan did not even make his high school basketball team, after being rejected he worked HARD. Often we give up thinking we failed or have no potential when in reality, we just need to work harder.
   
6. Knowing it is not all about you. Sow into other people that have similiar interests that you have. For example, if you are a photographer and building your brand, do pictures for upcoming models or families that can’t afford pictures. Or join in a nature walk with other photographers. It builds your portfolio, your community, and your reach. You don’t need to invest all your time in these ways, but when you have hit the wall, serving others sparks greatness! I have seen it many times in my own life.
   
7. Be okay with the uncomfortable. When you are stretching into new territory, it can be uncomfortable. Growing in our dreams and visions is not easy. Sometimes it takes commitment when we have yet to see anything come out of our hard work. You may need to knock on doors that you would rather just sit by quietly, hoping and praying they will open. Again, you may get rejected. Nobody said reaching your dreams would be comfortable. We often want to see ourselves where others are, but don’t think about all the work, effort, and stretching of themselves that it took for them to get there.
   
8. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else’s journey. I was horrible at comparing where I was at in my process compared to other people. This is a dream killer! I am not called to walk the same road as another. I am not called to have the same dream as another. My journey will be different. The minute we can be okay with that, we gain freedom.
   
9. Ask for help. If you are in a place of no motivation, insecurity, lack of skills or any other walls in your way ask someone to be a mentor. You may have better success for a yes when you ask, if you offer to trade work, time, or payment for a mentor’s efforts. Keep in mind also, that you will have the opportunity to one day be a mentor in the same capacity that is poured out to you.
   
10. Get to it! It is so easy to sit and think, think think. But if you don’t take action, that is all it will become, just thinking. Vision without action is only daydreaming. You need to move forward if you want to reach the dream implanted in your soul.

I ask you to look at all the hopes, dreams, and visions, that you have let die. Not to condemn but to say, “do you want to let another dream pass you by?”
10 years from now, do you want to be where you are at right now? How many people missed the spark, because you didn’t let yourself shine?
If you are living the dream I am so happy for you. But if you have dreams yet fulfilled, there is no time, like this time.

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“Time To Shine With Shaey Anthony”

A matter of perspective?

  Photo by: Awakened Arts

 

This is an old post from years ago that I had found living in my draft folder.
I am reflecting with fresh eyes, as the winter season that is about to pass in just a few short days. I know even in the spring many rainy days will come.

There were difficult days of course over the years, in fact, I just had a bout of nasty emotions again. but as time has gone on, the Lord has returned me to His truths much quicker than in the past. I am listening to His voice closer now. I am looking now.
As I get ready for spring with excitement, I know that each day will be a joy or a curse, depending on my perspective and where my thoughts and eyes are resting.

Even though this was written long ago, I am finding it still relevant. Be blessed in the sharing.

A matter of Perspective:

I live in a very damp region, often we can have 30 (+) days of constant rain and often the gray dreary weather leaves many people despondent.
One year when I was driving home from work and we had our first rain of the season. I noticed the coolness on my windshield as the tiny droplets began to form into full-grown raindrops. There was a moment of pause and then my tears fell. I knew it had begun. This rain meant a shift in the season that I was enjoying so much.  Gone were the outdoorsy, summery warm evenings and the abundant vitamin D, hello cold and flu season and hidden away like a bear hibernating for winter. My eyes were focused on loss rather than a possibility that comes with change.

The funny thing is, at that moment, I was focusing on what I was dreading and all that was unpleasant. Yet, each and every season for me has greatness as well. It is all a matter of perspective.

I find that those rains bring about the most gorgeous green foliage! Rich soils produce mushrooms, thirsty ferns, and moss! I had only the year before gone on a glorious photo walk and captured so many textures and colors. The colors for a photographer in autumn with the fall leaves are amazing. I had forgotten it in the moment of tears. But now I realize it is just a matter of perspective.

The colder wet season also brings about more movie nights, family game nights and hot cocoa! The evenings seem to spread forever as it gets darker earlier and earlier. I often hear the words, ” It is only six o clock?! We have the whole night ahead of us!”

Each season in our life can bring about life and death, dread and joy, peace and strife. We can look at our season from many perspectives but I want to encourage you this day to look at your season with a new vision.

You can have a purpose in every single life situation. This is a vision of hope and life. Don’t focus on all the dreariness in your season, but the life that the season will produce. What could this season bring to you that will strengthen you and equip you for the next? How can you switch your perspective to one of hope, or at the very least one that sees an end ahead at the end of the tunnel where a new day will awaken.

Even during the tiring, physical struggle of work that may bring your energy down, you can look and see what is being done. When you feel tired and distressed, remember that every season of good cultivating comes to fruition. Each season serves its purpose and as we serve a mighty God with great plans for our life we can rest assured that the outcome will be LIFE producing 🙂

I am not naturally the cup is a half-full type of gal, or at least I don’t see myself as one. I truly have to take pause and work to see all the good that can arise in a situation.
To look at the full picture and pull out the good takes practice and an effort. It is not always easy to see what is lovely at times. But in my pursuit of joy, I realized how very important it is, to see the whole picture and set my eyes ahead to what I know HE has done!

It truly can be a matter of perspective!

Psalm 121:1 – 2

I will lift up my eyes to the hills—
From whence comes my help?

My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.

Blessings this day~

Just Get Over It

The darkness is overwhelming and their head is spinning and I have heard others that have never dealt with depression or anxiety, look at them and use the words, “Just get over it.” And I  see the faces of the ones in the struggle, hearing these words while the shoulders tighten and their head sags in defeat. My own thoughts start to swirl, and I think to myself if they were able to just get over it, don’t you think they would? Who wants to live this way?

There is an ever-revolving cycle when dealing with depression and anxiety that often leads to someone overwhelmed and in a place of isolation. The motivation and even energy to just get over it are lacking, as they might even see what they ought to do but just can’t bring themselves to make the changes that will bring them out.

There are some things that helped me in my own process of victory.
Yes, I may still get smacked in the face with anxiety or depression, but with these tools, I am not overtaken by them anymore.

While people may mean well when they say “Just get over it” and offer no solution on how to do so, I have listed some tools that helped me to actually climb above the mountain and see the joy on the other side. You see, you can’t get over something, without the climb.

10 Steps I use to get over it

1. Talk with a professional:
   First and so important, when facing clinical depression and anxiety is to talk with a professional. I can’t emphasize enough, how encouraging it was to have the support of my doctor. We discussed medications and my reasoning for no longer wanting to be on them. She gave me solid advice on natural ways to combat anxiety and depression. Most importantly she reminded me that I was not alone.
2.  Deep slow breaths when the thoughts come: 
   The anxiety may rise up, but does not need to become a stronghold. I can take deep slow breaths and release the concern. This is also where I meditate on the word the Lord has given me or spend time in thoughts of His goodness.
3. Get to the root:
   Recognize where you may be feeding the anxiety and depression. I find it so interesting that even in the word, it says anxiety leads to depression! And over and over it is written to not worry, not be afraid, not to be anxious. But when you are in the ‘feeling’ of it all, how do you not walk in it?
   I was feeding my anxiety by obsessing on things I could do nothing about. I even recently had full-on attacks because so much came at me at once in the last months.
   This was a root, so I had to be aware of how I was opening the doors and being mindful to close them.
4.  Journal:
   I get all my thoughts down concerning the situation. Then leave it there.
   There is no health in replaying the hard stuff over and over in my mind. Also often when I journal, I see the picture more clearly of where the root is taking ground, than if I try to figure it out on my own.
5. Remember your victories:
   This has helped me so much! Recognizing joys rather than all the junk.  There is a plan for good things for your life. It may take some very hard searching for a victory but there absolutely is one there. Start with the simple truths if you must, and grow from there.
   Even though this moment is awful,  it is a moment. I know you have had some good ones as well!
   It may take longer than we would like, but the season will change. Remembering the past victories helps us in the waiting.
   This goes in line with focus. Our health is tied so much to what our thought life is. Find more on my thoughts to a victory mindset here: Victory
6. Change the environment:
   Sometimes when the anxiety comes, just removing myself from where I am at helps. It may not always be possible, like if you are in the middle of a work shift, but when you have the ability to walk away and regroup, do so. When you leave the stressful environment, work hard at not living there in your mind when you are away.
   As crazy as it sounds, sometimes bedtime can be the most anxiety-filled moment of my day. I finally stopped doing and slowed down and my brain tries to roadrunner all over my peace. Honestly, sometimes I will have to remove myself from trying to sleep until I walk through the steps of getting over it.
7. Diet/ Exercise:
    I am not going to get over anxiety and depression with a body in stress mode for lack of care.
   I know for a fact that gluten along with a myriad of symptoms, amps my anxiety through the roof. I do not have a marked allergy, it is just something that happens. Is there something in your diet that is triggering your anxiety? It may be time to start an elimination process to figure out what it is.
   My friend can’t drink coffee, another has issues with tomatoes, sugar, dairy, and the list goes on. I have touched on this topic on my post: Don’t eat the doughnut.
   
   Concerning exercise, I have health issues that make it difficult for me without feeling sick. Even walking makes me nauseated (unless I walk with my eyes closed). BUT exercise releases feel-good chemicals that relieve stress! Not to mention your stamina increases and your overall health improves.
   I was down a few days ill, and then my pup had surgery and just a few days without our walk, I felt the difference in my calm meter.
   
   
8. Do for others:
   Community is so important. Isolation leads to depression. When we are serving and doing for others, the focus is off of all of our worries, our own mess and we reap what we are sowing into others.  Keep your eyes open to where there is a need near you. Also, important to remember in regards to this, don’t have expectations from those that you do for, just do for the joy of doing. Otherwise….more anxiety may follow as it may lead to resentment.
9.  Don’t delay:
   It takes work to overcome anxiety and depression. The longer I walked in it, the harder it was to climb out. I would sink into my isolation and tell myself that I would do better tomorrow, then the next day would come and I would be in the same mess. It is hard to rise up,  but if you wait it becomes even harder. Nobody can do it for us. We must take action ourselves. We can make every excuse to not do, but we will not have victory if we stay still.
10. Word, Prayer, and Praise and Worship:
    This is my MUST and listed last not because it is the lowest on my list but the one I want to remain on the mind.
    The presence of God is tangible and available. I have complete peace in those moments I am with him. The Lord is my refuge and hiding place.
    (Psalm 91)
    No matter all the steps I do, I personally did not obtain victory until I put this first in my life.
    People will let you down if you run to them for your refuge. They have their own flaws, their own ‘stuff’ and they can’t meet your every need. They make mistakes and they may be your very source of frustration.
    BUT GOD.
    Word helps me remember what He says about me, shows me other victories if I am in the struggle with my own. His word connects me to the heart of my creator that wanted a relationship with me.
    Prayer is my opportunity to cry out and rejoice and thank. I get to pray for others and their situations rather than let the anxiety overwhelm. It is my communication with him and another opportunity for him to speak into my heart.
    Worship is my intimate time with the Lord. It is my, you are mine and I am in your love and belong to you God moment. and Praise is my rejoicing in all He has done, and will do and all that He IS.
    There was a season where I had shut God out due to anger and frustration because life was a mess. The scars were deep and I had disconnected.
    That season was my most anxiety-filled season and the deepest depression I had walked in. Yes, some may argue that it was because the season was hard. Trust me, it wasn’t. Because with God I have walked joyfully through much more difficult seasons because he helped heal each of those scars. With Him, I can do all things and without Him, I fail in my own strength.

My 7 Truths to a Victory Mindset

Digital art by awakened_arts

I remember the first time the lie that I was less than crept into my mind.
I remember the first time that my illness had begun to define me.
I remember the time that my husband was laid off and we lost everything.
I remember the loss of my father and the sick filling that he is really not on this earth that hits the pit of my stomach whenever a memory comes to the surface.

All these things and more at one point overwhelmed my mind and kept me swirling in discouragement.

Then one day I was awakened to the truth that I don’t have to let a thought of past hurts, discouragements or defeat be the focus of my mind. I realized I did not have to live in the swarm of messy thoughts. I could remember my promises in the midst of the noise. I have learned how to take steps to a victory mindset.

 

Here are the 7 truths to MY Victory Mindset:

1. Feel the moment and move on–
   I am not saying I never remember the hurts and broken moments. But I have learned to let myself feel the moment and acknowledge that it is painful.  Then I move on to truths that bring about victory.
   For example; if I wake up in a fibromyalgia flare of pain all over my body, instead of being defeated that I am in a flare and all the panic that had once overwhelmed me, I now remember the truths that I have victory over this. I will not stay in a flare. The flare gives me the chance to slow down. I take the time to let my self be frustrated, but I then I move on to victory mindset instead of discouragement.

   2. Fill my mind with the truth that brings life-
   Let’s be honest, sometimes life on this earth can be less than amazing.  But for me, life stays in the gutter longer if I focus on the mess rather than the blessed around me.
   When I am intentional to fill my mind with truths that bring life my whole atmosphere can shift.
   So what kind of truths can bring life when you are surrounded on all sides? How do you train your mind to have a victory mindset?
   I write encouraging affirmations and keep them where I will see them. On note cards or post-it notes. I take the time to remember what I can do, what I have accomplished or my dreams and desires. When a negative thought comes if it is not something that needs addressing I will immediately replace it with a positive thought. If I don’t have my own positive thoughts at the moment I remember other peoples victories. Or I remember my simple victories no matter how small they may seem, even getting out of bed some days is a victory and I can be thankful for it!

   3. Speak the life instead of the mess-
       Oh, boy how this one has been a lesson! I am still having to work on making it a habit of speaking life around me rather than speaking about all the junk I am going through all the time. People will avoid you when all you have to talk about is your mess. I have learned this the hard way and it made my struggles worse to feel so alone. In the season of mess talking, I was trying to explain why I was limited because you can’t always see when I am ill, or I would vent my hurts because I wasn’t sure how to process them. But when the mess became all I saw it became all I talked about. How fun I was to be around… NOT.
   I want to be an encourager. I want to be one that speaks words that encourage and lift up. This may take practice but it can be done. It starts in doing until it becomes your habit. When I have nothing positive to say, I can start by speaking about what I WANT to see. I can prophesy my victory mindset. 

   Prophesy means to pronounce.
   Prophesy your Promise: is a great listen at the end of the post!

   4. Be aware of your influences around you-
   Just as it is important to be aware of your own speaking. It is important to be aware of the words and attitudes of those around you. Let’s face it there are times you may not be able to change your atmosphere. You may not be able to move, or change jobs, or leave a situation that is overwhelmingly negative. But you can be aware of the influence, and when that atmosphere has become draining, put more efforts into your own victory mindset. If you are in an atmosphere that is constantly negative, unhealthy and destructive and you do have the ability to change it, then change may just be necessary for your best mindset.  Surround yourself with people that encourage, lift you up and inspire.

    

   5. Speak life into others-
   One of the biggest tools in my toolbelt for victorious mindset has been to speak life and encouragement into other peoples lives. For me, it was easier to believe great things for others and it was easier to see their worth. By speaking into their lives not only am I speaking the truth and blessed to encourage them, but I also begin to hear back that I too am worth such thoughts and blessings. To see a shift in their day brings victory to my own mindset.

   6. Invest in Spiritual Health-
   I can not emphasize this one enough. I was born to spend time with the Lord. When I forsake that part of me, I just do not function mentally the same way. I get discouraged, frustrated and deflated so quickly. It is much harder for me to walk in the truth of victory when I am not reminding myself of all that has been gifted to me. I find new hope, dreams and fresh vision after my time with prayer, worship and reading the word. This is my must for a victory mindset.

   7. GET TO DOING-
   Ultimately this is the most important aspect to walking in a victory mindset. To be victorious you must take action. You will not achieve anything by staying in the negative, staying in the same old position and making no changes. You want to find those things that bring about life for you and then do them!
   Serve others, find your dreams and interests, take the time to practice your victory mindset. Start with just one consistent action a day, and then add more as you have made that one a habit.  Taking action will propel you forward to living in victory instead of shadowed with defeat.

   This is what has helped me become blessed instead of focusing on the mess. I encourage you, my friend, to share with others what has helped you.
   Feel free to leave a comment on your victories!!

   Prophesy means to pronounce. Get to pronouncing LIFE
   Prophesy your Promise by Bryan and Katie Torwalt

    

Discontent? Perhaps its time to Disconnect!

My husband is most often a happy go lucky encourager. It isn’t very often that he becomes cloudy and in the dumps. So I asked him the other day if his emotions come in waves at all like the hormonal mad woman that I can be at times lately. I asked if he feels discontent and just doesn’t show it. He thought for a moment and his answer resonated with me.

He said, “I feel a quick rise in frustration or joy when things in life happen. I get mad when someone cuts me off in work traffic or a customer comes at me in ignorance. It is a moment and fades. But you know, what really gets to my emotions is the posts on social media. I have to be mindful to not spend much time on the negative junk that is posted. I can rise in anger at injustice or politics. I can sink in the dumps when I see what others have where I lack in talent or luxuries. I can feel unmotivated when others are doing what I want to be doing but don’t know how or feel I can’t leave my profession. A lot is to be said about what your thoughts are on. Until social media, I was a lot easier going than I am now if I let the junk in.”

I too have felt this very thing. It starts as a little stirring of discontent. Perhaps as you scroll you see someone far more talented than you see yourself. You compare and your brain begins to scramble with all the thoughts of how you can improve or how you can measure up, or even how you just can’t. Then you see a political post that you are the polar opposite of and you grow frustrated how far one way or the other politics has swung. Your mind is filled with even more scramble and emotions.
Maybe you make an innocent comment on a post and you are attacked with bullies hitting you in very personal ways. Add more scramble and discontent. Then you disconnect from those that are around you.
If you are unmotivated and discontent in your creativity perhaps you need to disconnect from comparison and seeing what everyone else is doing.
If attitudes you hear and read are affecting your own attitude, disconnect from the ugliness. The onslaught of thoughts can be so overpowering, the mind becomes scrambled and what is truly important can be tangled in the mess. Perhaps the rise of depression is linked to time spent online and not face to face with others, or tangible creative opportunities and living life without the screen in your way.

Maybe the solution for discontentment is to disconnect from social media outlets for a season, or online gaming. If you are just not resonating and connecting to people that are around you in the flesh it is important to see what is in your way. I saw a little girl crying and completely upset and her mother doing nothing more than scrolling her phone and pushing her child away. Another little boy fell and hit his head hard, and the mother had a very little reaction for her hurting child. We have to disconnect in alarming ways! We are not hearing the heart of others. We are not regulating our own emotions.

Social media, as a tool for marketing business or connecting with people, is great. But when seeds of discontent begin to be planted and the more you submerge into the cyber world the more discontent you can become, It can pour out into the attitude and emotions in the life around you. It is time to disconnect from the source of death and to reconnect with life-giving resources.

I ask you to listen to the words of wisdom of my love. If you are feeling disconnected or ‘off’ or if you are feeling more temperamental then perhaps look at how much time you are spending with screen time outlets as your social connection. Maybe it is time to disconnect from that screen and connect face to face.

The Sparrow

 Instagram: awakened_arts

The Sparrow has been on my mind so much lately. In fact, I drew this Sparrow weeks ago when I gave one of the characters in my Middle-Grade book that I am currently writing a mark of a sparrow.
I find it interesting as I looked up sparrows, once I knew my main character bore the mark, that a sparrow often symbolizes joy. This is perfect, as it lines up with the call of my character in the story.
Here I have had sparrows on my mind, and they can often symbolize the very gift of Joy the Lord has given me to share with others.

Today I discovered, I have a new Facebook friend that calls her ladies, Sparrows. I asked her why the sparrow was so relevant to her and she stated;
“Knowing that when God takes care of the Sparrows as they didn’t value much according to man; HE would always take care of us the same.” (Valerie Miller)

Luke 12:6 –  Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God.
This verse turns my mind to think about one of the causes of depression. Not knowing our worth. Not seeing ourselves through the eyes of the creator. How often can we look at nature and think it is so beautiful, or look at a young animal and think how precious, yet we can not look at ourselves with the same value?
Has not the masterful creator held you with a great value?
How can you look upon the face of His wonderful creation and only see the lack?
He only sees the great value, not the flaws.
He sees your full worth and call.
A call He set aside only for you to do, and if the enemy can entrap us in feeling like we have no value, then we hold back from doing all we are created for.
What if the sparrow, saw her wings, but never understood their value?
What if she never put them to use because she thought they lacked worth?
She would be a target for prey as she would sit vulnerably and not fly away.
She would miss the beauty her wings would bring her as she took flight, soaring over the earth.
What are you missing out on today, because you are not seeing your full value of your gift?
What part of yourself are you hiding because you think it lacks worth, that another needs to see in order to find their own?

Today my friend is the day you see yourself in the eye of the creator.
Far more valuable are you to Him than even the sparrow who is remembered and cared for.
Ask Him today, to see yourself with new eyes. Hold fast to what you are shown and take flight!

Matthew 10:31- “So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.

Song: His eye on the sparrow 

 

Joy Despite the Pain is Not Denial but a Necessity!​

Joy despite the pain is not denial but a necessity. These are the words the Lord spoke to me days after the darkest, lowest point in my life.
Let me back up just a bit, before that revealing moment.
In 2010 I had been through the darkest valley I had ever known. I was a church-going, woman of God, that loved my family, loved my husband, loved my kids and my friends and all of a sudden, it wasn’t enough. I won’t go into the details that lead to this valley at this time. Just that I was in one.
In this valley of death, I was ready to end my life. I began to cut people away from me. I didn’t see it at first. In the beginning, it was because someone wronged me, and chop, they were out of my life. Then it was someone wasn’t around for me the way I needed them, and chop, they were out of my life.  Then it became a chopping block for no other reason than I was done with people. I wanted to hide away. I wanted to end all my physical pain that was blinding and no end in sight. I felt worthless, I felt hindering to others, unwanted (because I didn’t want myself) and unloved (because I could not love myself). I only saw my lack and hated myself for it. I truly hated me and the mess I was in.

The baffling thing is, on the outside, I seemed to have it all together. I was strong, I was faithful, I was serving, I was blessed… BUT
Suicide and major depression are not spoken of in the church very often or perhaps even not at all. Women are going to church Sunday mornings with a smile on their face, all the while dying inside. They feel guilty for dying inside, they feel weak and unworthy for feeling this weight they can’t explain.
Some will keep that mask on their face until, like me at that moment, they are ready to end it all.

I was sobbing in the bathtub, I had been told some very negative things by doctors, ” you have to live this way, the pain will not kill you, you don’t want to get better if you won’t try XYZ,”  lets forget I had tried A-W and was exhausted and broke. I was blinded by the opiates they had put me on for the pain and I was just done. I had it planned. Submerge in the tub inhale deeply and end it. My husband knowing something was off, sat on the other side of the bathroom door, banging on it begging for me to let him in.
I stopped crying answered in a very calm voice, ” I am fine, I just need some time.” He stood on the other side, quiet.

At this moment, I was not thinking of my worth, I was not thinking that my family needed me, my family loved me, all I could think was to end the pain both physically and emotionally. I dreamed of the feeling of nothing.

With a final heart plea, I said, “God you promised me joy, where is it.”

It was THE most defining moment in my life. He answered my spirit and said, ” you have joy, you just need to find it.”

My despair cleared and for the first time in 10 months, I had hope stirring in me. I had no idea the journey I would embark on, but that moment with my savior, truly saved my life.

In this process, Writing for Joy was created. I still hurt, I still was broken, I still had limits to my abilities, but as I sought God on what was robbing my joy, each day a bit more joy filled the holes of empty in my heart. One day while still walking in physical pain, but feeling joy again in my heart, I heard God speak clearly to me, ” Joy despite the pain, is not denial but a necessity.” This became my new mantra in life. I was still waiting for physical healing but in the meantime, I was learning my circumstances did not have to dictate my joy.

You see I needed this joy to survive. It did not matter that I was walking and have been walking for years in pain, the Joy is still mine. Through this process, God taught me how to regain it and obtain it.

I still have days the darkness tries to come in. But He gently reminds me, that Joy is my gift, waiting fresh each morning.

Now there is action that I take, to obtain and maintain my joy.

I have a feeling, that this blog and all these years of learning after the brokenness will be my beauty from ashes moment.

I will begin to write my new book: Joy Despite the Pain is not Denial but a Necessity

My heart is to speak into the heart of others, that have been hiding behind the mask, walking in the ‘normal’ every day while dying inside little by little. Not because they want to hide, but because perhaps they don’t even realize they are. Or maybe, just maybe, they don’t realize that they are not the only ones.

This scripture above in my heading is so relevant to me, as in the darkest season I had been bedridden in pain, He says to me RISE UP and I will speak to you and He has been so faithful both physically and spiritually. So I RISE UP and no longer walk in shame of where I was, but in JOY that I can use my story, to touch the lives of others that may be blinded in the pain at the moment.

Remember!! Joy despite the pain is not denial but a necessity.

 

Again and Again

Recently I was in the waves of depression or grief I am not sure exactly which, but I was getting to where I  wanted to just isolate myself on most days.

I had lost my dad a year ago and my health struggles of the last few years hit another all-time high with no explanations, leading to walking away from my job I loved. Coming to grips with all the loss, I was truly trying to keep my head above water.

I had this heavy blanket over my mind often since childhood. When I was at Bethel Worship Music School this year, so much was revealed to me and was broken off of me.
I have been healed of the suicidal depression years ago. Jesus rescued me before. But this release was generational. This release will take deep roots in my family. God has brought me to a place of Joy that I had not felt since I was under 8 years old.

There with my heart open saying, God, why has this returned?  He said, “I will do it again. You want your release, here you go. I will do it again. I will meet you at every stage and every time. I will do it again! Don’t focus on the why, you know the why. Focus on the victory because it is here. ”

I just broke with my love from Him. I was valued and given the gift of LIFE.
When I let myself remember the work He had done before and I let myself be loved by Him in new ways, deeper relationship, it is then that He rescued me.
My heart was lifted with the knowledge that He will rescue me again and again from every situation. I do not need to return to the old. That one has been done with.
Anything else arises, He will be in that too, ready to save.

The funny thing is this time that I was rescued, it was much swifter then years past.
The days of deep depression did not linger long, as I was able to recognize them and remember where my help comes from. The maker of heaven and earth, my creator, my savior, my friend, my JESUS. He did it before and He will rescue me again and again. From each struggle, from each battle. He will rescue me again and again.

I am human, I may open the door to the same battle, but He is so faithful to reach in and pull me out of it. He is also faithful to give me the tools to not go there anymore.

I was at church Sunday and just heard…SOUND THE ALARM.

When you are struggling in life, sound your alarm!
Call out to Him and He will be quick to answer you.
Right there with you in your walk no matter where you are at, He comes.

In our natural life, if you are looking at a fire, you are going to sound that fire alarm. You will not just sit and watch it consume everything in front of you, you are going to call a rescuer. When you are struggling in the Spirit, SOUND your alarm.

He will meet you again and again. Give the song a listen 😉 This one blesses my heart to pieces.

 

 

 

 

 

I am READY

I am READY FOR my new Season LIFE

 

This week at Bethel Music Worship School, has shaken me in every good way possible. I have been like a sponge absorbing God’s truths and casting off all the lies I have believed about myself and my ministry.
I have grown deeper in my relationship with the Lord and have allowed Him EVERY space in my life, rather than just the one to be revered and held high. YES, He is to be high and lifted up always, but there is so much much more. I am READY!

The second day at Bethel Music Worship School, while we were listening to Bill Johnson speaking, I had a vision of God holding out His hands with Jesus in the palms. I honestly don’t remember what was being taught at the moment. The vision was so clear and so beautiful it beheld my whole heart.
God’s hands outstretched were handing Jesus to me. I heard so clearly in my Spirit, this is my son and He is for ALL your areas of need. You need a friend, here you go, you need a Father here you go, you need a savior here you go, you need a healer here you go. There was no end to the places that Jesus was to fill in my life. I call out I am READY!!!

When I began writing for joy I was honestly at death’s door. I was ready to die. I wanted to die and had a plan to die. In my last cry to God before putting my plan into action I cried out… GOD, YOU PROMISED JOY WHERE IS IT?!?!
In that very moment, God instructed me to seek Joy and I would find it.
I felt shook. I said Ok God I will try this I will seek the FULLNESS of your Joy.
Step by step He pointed out all the areas that my life was robbing me of joy. It has been a good season to see His love and care and provision of the fullness of Joy in my life. Yet, that season has been one dimensional, survival-focused.
I was a baby surviving on milk and God is ready to give me more in the way of nutrition. He met me where I was and gave what I needed most to save my life and bring me back to living. Now He is ready to propel me forward in NEW life and NEW seasons of fruitfulness. The harvest has been planted, cultivated and now I will reap the benefits.
I am READY!

There is so so so much new the Lord would have me share and I am so ready for this wild journey He will be taking me on. This past week at Bethel Music Worship School has been one of the richest fullest life-giving experiences of my life. I am amazed and in awe of my Father all over again. I have come out of the land of the drought and ready for the land of living water. No more will I deny the spirit of God as He moves inside of me. I have been awakened and I will not be silent. I am READY

THIS…  AINT NO STINKIN GRAVE AINT NO STINKIN GRAVE… GONNA HOLD MY BODY DOWN!!!!

Out of the Heart

 

I have been in a season of great frustration lately. I am frustrated with the health, my physical limits, my personality,  the finances being stretched and not being able to work at what I love right now, and finally the lack of some changes around me that need to happen.
I am frustrated with my reactions to those frustrations.
I am frustrated with my frustrations!

I have noticed my speech has been more negative, I have blown up more often in harsher ways and I have seemed to misplace that joy to the full that was with me constantly. Lately, my joy comes in snippets, like this morning when I was watering my flowers listening to the bird songs, yet the fatigue sets in and my joy meter seems to begin to fade.

I have been seeking the Lord on this issue lately and He reminded me of truths when I first began seeking joy and what will lead me to get my joy to the full, back in place.

1- Out of the heart, the mouth will speak.
God pointed out that just as a parrot, will repeat what it has been told over and over, so will my heart. You can teach a parrot good things or bad, depending on what you spend your time feeding it.

I have been so negative lately because my heart is frustrated. I am repeating that despair and defeat. I am letting it set in where there should be no place for it. I need to fill my heart with life rather than my situations. The fruit of that will be less negativity and criticism.
How to fill the heart to be life productive: Word, Prayer, and Worship. Less of the world and more of HIM.
The song… I have the Joy Joy Joy Joy down in my heart, comes to mind. Let’s have the Lord put some JOY in our hearts today!

2- Recognize the NO’s
One thing that gets to my heart frustrated is the conflicting political views. The anger and hatred I read or hear from both sides are contagious. This is a no for me. I need to recognize the no’s in my life. Sitting and listening to someone else’s frustrations for hours is a NO. The other day, I had a FULL 7 hours of listening and trying to minister to others. Multiple people, but it was a straight 7 hours and they just wanted to vent, not solutions! This is A BIG NO for me and I have to be prepared to say, enough let’s talk about something else. It is absolutely draining otherwise.
Another big no, Doing everything that pops into my head because I have the energy at the moment, is a no for me. I can’t do everything and be everything to everybody. I have to know when to say no, otherwise out of my heart will be resentment and frustration when I become exhausted.

3- It is okay to be me.
I feel guilty for wanting to spend so much time alone and then it plays on my mind. Out of the heart, my mouth will speak, if I am dogging myself and my personality in my heart, I will not have life and give life to others but criticism and harshness. The same criticism and hurtful opinions of myself will be put on others.

I was an only child, a latchkey one at that. Much of my time was spent joyfully alone. I am learning I am a social introvert. I love people and the ministries the Lord has before me, but too much and I am absolutely exhausted. I need to separate and reboot, and in this season it is needed more often. I need the quiet, I thrive on the quiet, it is life-giving to me and that is okay. I need to accept me.
I also have let the opinion of others that I need to be love to everyone all the time put guilt on me. I do need to love everyone, be a light to everyone, but I do not need to socialize with everyone. There are some people who are toxic and I can’t love them enough to change that, I have tried.  When a needy, critical, hurtful person begins to toxify my life, I need to be aware and put my foot down.
I can be selective in this season and for my own health that is ok and necessary.

4- Except my limits.
This is an extension of the no’s but very relevant in its own way.
I have half completed things around my house all of the time in this season. To get through doing the dishes, I have to unload the dishwasher, sit down and rest, then go back to loading it. Same with the Laundry, I can get it out of the dryer and fold but that is the end of it for me and it sits folded, while I rest. This is often the same getting ready for my day; shower, sit. Fix hair, sit. Put on makeup and brush teeth, sit. The fatigue can be overwhelming and if I push, do not rest, do not take those breaks, I can hardly walk across the room and it last for days rather than moments. I have to accept where I am, not bury the negative in my heart but the truth, I have limits, God will grant me strength in my weakness, but I can listen to those limits. Out of the heart, my mouth will speak, perhaps my healing will come faster, if I take the time to REST IN THE LORD, and speak the truth about what I am ABLE to do rather than just sit and stir about what I am not.

I am sure there are many other areas the Lord will reveal to me in the next few weeks as I seek Him on the issue. But today the biggest one that sticks out to me is out of the heart the mouth will speak. No matter how I feel, if I am feeding my heart good things, my mouth will speak good things. If my focus is on my flesh and my situation, of course, negative things will be what comes out. I need to not focus on all my flaws, to err is human, but my God is bigger than my screw ups. He can do more than what I know. He can restore. He makes all things new.
These truths are what will be buried deep in my heart. So that Out of my heart my mouth will speak LIFE things.

Matthew 15:18

But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person.
ESV