I HATE YOU

We were spending time with friends this weekend and my friend snapped a photo of my profile. Immediately I said, “Eeew I hate my profile, I look so snobby!”. To which my friend firmly replied, “Stop with that self hate.”

It was in that moment that I recalled time after time after time I had said, I HATE YOU, to myself!

I hate my nose, I hate my ears, I hate my waste, I hate my sickness, I hate my lack of talent, I hate my voice, I hate my attitude, I hate my thoughts and on and on it goes.
I hate, I hate, I hate. In essence, every single day, multiple times a day I was declaring I hate you Shaey ( and here seeing those words I am reminded,  I even hate my  name) !

It was STOP WITH THE SELF HATE, that made me realize, that was all I was leaving room for in my life. A constant look at what I see as failures and lack. Not the truth how God sees me or created me to be.

As the truth set in, I asked God, “Why do I hate myself?”
Clarity came swiftly!
I have hated my self for most of my life because of a biological father that didn’t want me. That with the many reminders from others that the father I knew was not my ‘real’ father and it was so very sad he never had children of his own.
Even though my dad was absolutley in every sense a real father, the words stung.

I have hated myself because of the constant declaration that I was a snob from as early as I can remember from family members, because I did not socialize the way they thought I needed to ( I did not like hugs).

I have hated myself because of the gossip that would come back to me, how little others thought of me and they loved to focus and laugh at everything they felt I did wrong.

I hated myself because as a teenager I was a snob and into my own world, not seeing others hurt around me.

But mostly glaring at my inner soul, I  have hated myself for nearly 20 years because of a terrible mistake that I had made, that I could not forgive myself over. I have said that I forgave myself. All those around me would tell me that it was not my fault and to not beat myself up over it. Yet the result is the same,  I have lived with the root of a lie that I was not worth loving. A lie that screamed at me that I was a failure of the greatest magnitude.

I did not want to look at those hurt-ful areas and deal with them. I wanted to stuff them down like I always had but my heavenly father wrapped me in His spirit and all of a sudden there was not a hate, but a great compassion that came over me.

I feel as if I am a bud after a long winter beginning to bloom. I pray that as the beauty of the Lords work unfolds, that others will be blessed and see their own beauty as well. A reflection of the work the father does in us if we let Him.

So today I will speak against my self hate. I will no longer say I hate you. I will say I am beautifully and wonderfully made.

After this divine revelation, the very next day in fact, my friend captured a picture of me full on laughing like a crazy woman. My first thought was EEEW delete it!  But the Lord caught me,  He is turning my heart to His truth, His joy in me IS beautiful and to be loved not hated.
SO I am getting over my own self and I am posting  a picture that I would have asked be destroyed in the past. I will look at the JOY this moment was, the laughter this picture captured and the great friends that are bringing new life into this tired and weary soul.

God is GOOD! ALL the work that He does  within me is GOOD and I will not deny this truth any longer. No longer will I partner with a lie.

THE JOY OF THE LORD IS MY STRENGTH!!!

 

 

 

The bird flies

I have entered a new season in my life. A season of watching the bird leave the nest and fly on his own. My oldest son had finished high school a year early. At the time of high school completion,  I came across some information that I had stuck in my heart for such a time as this.

While my heart broke at the thought of being separated so unexpectedly, I obeyed the prompting in my spirit and brought the opportunity of an internship to my son.

He applied to an internship a thousand miles away. Not yet eighteen and my son was accepted and the wheels began spinning. Here I thought I had one more year with him. Molding, shaping, encouraging and found that I had just a few weeks to prepare him for this journey. This amazing, life altering journey.

In order for this to happen for my son there were some must haves:

I needed a travel partner to drive my son to internship. My mom happened to have the time off, lined up perfectly.

We were in need of his deposit and no income put away for this event in his life. As I had pointed out in our earlier posts there were many trials that set us back financially.

The deposit needed was 3,000 dollars and it was due immediately!!! That amount was huge for us to comprehend at the moment, yet through prayer and request, my son raised his full 3,000 deposit within a few weeks. We still have his monthly commitment to cover the remainder but we know God is faithful.  The finances lined up perfectly.

We needed gas, food, and a place to stay. All of that had been provided, lined up perfectly.

What we discovered in this whole season. As hard as it is to transfer my child from my home and lay him completely at the service of the Lord, I have seen first hand when God calls you into something He makes your path clear. He lined up every detail. Nothing was unnoticed.

The application process was already decided, God knew he was going.

The money for my sons internship was already provided, God knew he was going.

The travel expenses were covered in amazing ways, God knew he was going.

The housing, meals, relationships, support and all his needs for the year, set up there in miraculous ways was already in motion, God knew he was going.

The mama heart was tugging. My son is one of my best friends. Oh, he would be corrected and the firm foundation set, but he is my confidant, joy maker, laughter. I was having to say goodbye for now, in order to allow him to fulfill his call and dream for his life.

I felt like Abraham sacrificing my son to the Lord. Willing to take him but a small measure of me not sure if I was ready for the separation. And in the meeting at the church our son would be interning at, the teaching was about vision, sacrifice, and letting God take what you offer and become your friend.

One thing that is certain. I have found the Lord meets me in each need. The need for friendship, camaraderie, laughter, comfort… God supplies it all. He is faithful, with reaching in and filling the areas that we are unable to fill by ourself.

To have my full joy in this season. I must hold fast to the promise that God has a plan for my son. Fear can not lead me, guide me or be a part of my life. I must allow God to be my all and allow Him to be my sons ‘all’ as well.

God is more than enough. He takes our humble offerings and brings about greatness even we do not expect.

I let my son go, into very capable hands, the hands of my God and that is the best thing this mother has ever done.