Give Yourself Permission To Fail

I don’t know how many people that I have come across in this life that have told me, “I have failed at xyz, why try again? Why should I try anything new?”
My heart aches at the utter defeat that I hear in their voice. Failure and even the thought of it is a solid trauma response for some people.

I want to be able to understand the concept that the thought of failure brings fear or feelings of hopelessness. I too have my trigger trauma responses, in other areas in my life, but when it comes to trying, even with the possibility of failure, I am all in.

I think perhaps failingin my life, in front of many, while I was still young cured me of the fear of trying and failing as an adult. I saw that I was okay, that life went on, and I learned so much in the process.

Like the time I was on stage in front of hundreds if not thousands of people, and stumbled over my words at a Portland Miss Teen Pageant, not once but multiple times. That moment taught me that I don’t have to be afraid of the opinion of others. The Lord used this experience for me to feel free to speak in front of multitudes of classes of children about their ability to say no and stand up for themselves if someone tries to hurt them. To be able to be on the platform of churches and share my heart, or to sing on worship teams for years, even though at times it was messy. I now lead a broadcast and inspire others to shine their light. Do I feel capable? Of course not! Do I know that I mess up? Absolutely! I already know that I am not the most graceful person, and so do those all around me. It isn’t a secret. That is okay, I don’t need to be perfect, and neither do you to step out. You don’t need to be anything other than just what you are, who you are called to be, and being bold is a part of that. Be bold for HE is with you. The God of the heavens and the earth thought enough of you that he placed you on this earth for your purpose. Your purpose alone and nobody else. There is trying, learning, failing, and success.

I have learned over the years, that there are times that the Lord calls me to do what I feel is impossible, and that I am completely inadequate. so that He can show up. I have done many things, that in my own power would never have been able to do.

Then there were times that I know that I was called and walked out in obedience, and the outcome looks nothing like I expected. It was an utter flop and failure! I have even asked, “God, did I hear you correctly? I failed so badly!”

Then, comes, his assurance, “You are basing your success on your standards, not the outcome that I needed to happen. You were willing to be stretched and follow my leading, now watch what happens.” Sure enough, I see His hand use the small seed that I had sown and create a beautiful harvest. Even though I could not see what was coming, He did!

Failure may happen. We may be called to do something that we don’t know what the outcome will be, and we may feel like we failed. We may step out when the timing is not right and it looks deflating. BUT we can look at failing as an opportunity to say that we have tried and have learned exactly not what to do again. I have failed… so what. I may fail again…so what. What is the worst that can happen? I look foolish? Well, I have already done that!
But if ONE person is touched by stepping out of my comfort zone, it is worth it to risk failure. If ONE person is sparked to try because they see how they can do it better, it was worth the risk of failure. If I have learned something, it was worth the risk of failure.

If I don’t risk failure, or if I don’t have an attitude of ‘so what’, I will never see the success of the dreams buried deep in my heart. They will remain dormant because I chose the path of safety.
The greatest truth is that God has called us to be victorious. Philippians 4:13 says it all, ”  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”.

We may feel like we are failing, but we are in process of arriving. When we seek HIM first, He will guide us to the steps of preparing for the road ahead. He will set us up for success. We will not fail, with GOD leading our way, to walk out the plan that he has for our lives. EVERYTHING we walkthrough can be used for His glory. Failure ahead? Maybe there will be, but so what!!!

How to Move Beyond Comparison

“Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!”

I can vividly see the scene in my mind, Jan Brady was frustrated that older sister Marsha could do everything well. It seemed to her that everyone was focused on Marsha and her many victories. 

Jan, who felt like she couldn’t measure up to her sister, and that she couldn’t do anything well, felt as if she was hiding in the shadow of greatness. This leads to the depths of discouragement.

Have you had a Marsha in your life? Everybody seems to flock to this person, while you sit quietly on the sidelines. Everything you have tried to do, they seem to do it better and be greater. If you have walked this path, you have likely held yourself in comparison, bitterness, and resentment. This is dangerous territory to linger in, as it often keeps us bound up from exploring what WE are called to.

The trap of comparison not only leads to depression, discouragement, and hopelessness. If we are not careful, we stop pursuing and doing, to the point that we will never arrive at our unique greatness. 

So how do we stop? How do we not let where others are in their journey affect us on our own? How do we keep pushing on when we seem to be all alone and face defeat after defeat? You have tried to do you, but inevitably the thoughts always go back to how others do it better or would fit better, or have it all together….better. I have listed some tips that have helped me, move beyond my comparisons and pursue that which is within me. 

10 Steps to Move Beyond Comparison

1. Recognize Your Motive- Why do you want success? Are you motivated to be a benefit to your life and others, or are you motivated to just have what they have?

Do you feel admiration or jealousy? 

2. Adjust your Perception of What Has Value- It is much easier for me to see what others offer as far greater than what I had readily available to give the world.

Yet, we are all designed to be unique. 

3. Don’t Confuse Success with The Size of Your Audience- The author of life has given you a call and a reach. It may be millions, or just one. Never forget, THAT one, is important. You have value, and no matter the size of your impact, you have an impact. Walking out your call, your destiny will impact others. You will light a spark. You were created for such things. Your success is not measured by the size of your audience, rather it is measured by walking out what is for you and only you to do. Your very impact on one could ignite the world! Yet, we are all designed to be unique. Perhaps you may not have people flocking to you, because you are created to be intentional with people in a way that is different than somebody else. Maybe they do have hundreds, thousands, or even millions in their contacts and sphere of influence, but don’t underestimate the power of connection that you were created for. 

4. Celebrate Their Victories- The quickest way that I have found personal victory over comparison is to be genuinely happy for other people and their successes. Rather than the, “Why not me?” attitude, I shift to “Yay You.” 

5. Focus on Your Growth, and Move Beyond Your Comfort Zone- Success can be uncomfortable You may begin to see some attention to your hard work and want to step back. It is scary stepping out and being exposed. Yet, growth comes with some discomfort. Do you remember the growing pains as you quickly grew in seasons of childhood? It is the same way with our victories and success. Getting there can be painful.

6. Address Imposter Syndrome- I have heard the most famous of famous say that they have felt less than. They feel like they are faking it every day. When we walk around feeling like an imposter, we are in danger of walking in comparison, or an, “I wish I could be like that attitude”. Be you, do your thing, and walk in the confidence that you ARE in the right position, you are not an imposter. 

7. Rethink Your Thinking- Rather than running the record in your mind, “Why are they so successful, why do they always seem to get there easily?” Shift your thoughts. This is a great opportunity to renew your mind! Instead of focusing so much on what they do well, shift your focus on what you are going to do well. If you have not arrived yet, make a plan as to how you will get to where you want to be, and follow through. Most people start and don’t finish because of the negative thinking they let control their minds. 

8. Call it what it is- Comparison is jealousy, envy, and pride. 

9. Define What You Truly Want- Sometimes, we think we want something because it looks good on someone else. But is that YOUR thing? Perhaps you let the dream die, because it wasn’t clicking in the first place, and it has nothing to do with how amazing they are at what they do. 

10. Try, Try Again- If you feel like this is your passion, your thing, and your dream. You must put in the work, research, and pursuit. You won’t get anywhere if at the first sign of this isn’t working, you quit. You may just have to work that much harder than others. If it is what you want, where they are, and how they got there should not be your focus. 

I still fight the mindset of comparison, imposter syndrome, or the energy to put the effort into my dreams. Yet, when I walk out these steps and my mind is on comparison less and less, it is then that I see my personal next unfold.

Coming March 9th… Details SOON

Dear Daughter-in-law

Dear Daughter-in-law,

My sons are one of my deepest loves. I will fight for and support them until the day I die.  There is a lie out there that mother-in-law has to be the enemy. I am so thankful that this is not the case but there is more on my heart for you to know.
One of the best ways that I can love my adult son is to be your champion.

Champion: To fight for, defend, or support.

Daughter-in-law, you are a fellow woman but more than that you are now my family. I will shout for joy with your accomplishments, I will walk with you through the trials and be a source of hope when you are feeling less than.

Daughter-in-law, your concerns are my concerns. I will not side with my son just because he is my son when you come to me for counsel. I am your champion as well as his. You can confidently know that I will not run to him every time you may come to me with something on your heart. You can know I don’t ever expect you to come but I am always here when you need to.

I champion your success. I champion for you to be joyful, confident and fulfilled not only in your marriage but in your place of this family.
You are to always come first in his life. You are to be his focus and your happiness is his greatest concern.

Daughter-in-law, you are a treasure to never be overlooked as life gets crazy or the comfortable sets in, I will remind him to date you and pursue you forever. To listen to your heart. To be your helper and leader. To put your needs above his own and to love you first.
His greatest duty is to you, his wife and partner. I will forever be your champion because not only are you his, you are now mine.